There can be nothing more painful for a child than the death of their mum or dad. As the surviving parent, it is natural to want to protect your child from painful situations. You may want to keep from them details of how your partner died or try to hide your own grief or difficult feelings. Children tell us that sometimes this protection is not what they want as it can leave them feeling left out and confused. 

As a parent, you can’t help but communicate with your child; even very young children will pick up from your body language that something serious has happened. The very bits of adult conversation you would rather they didn’t hear tend to be what they remember. They watch adults and will notice and be affected by your reactions, even when they are too young to fully understand what might be happening. They tend to know when something significant has happened, noticing more than adults often realise.

As a parent, it is understandable that your main concern will be your child. Being the only parent to your child and supporting them may be a daunting prospect. How you manage your own grief will influence how your child copes with theirs. Remember that what they need more than anything is your love and care. Many parents underestimate just how much support they are already giving their child in such difficult circumstances - don't expect too much of yourself; it is important to find ways to support yourself too. 

The courage it takes to talk to your child about death cannot be underestimated. This is a huge responsibility, which can feel overwhelming. When you have to make tough decisions, concentrate on what feels right for you and your child - you know your child best. The most important and helpful thing for a child is stability, time with you, a familiar routine and being reassured that you love them and are there for them. Your confidence to help your child with their grief will grow with time. Your family will of course be changed by what has happened, but you can grow stronger together.

For more from parents supported by Child Bereavement UK on some of the issues they faced when looking after bereaved children, whilst grieving themselves, and what helped them watch our film Parenting bereaved children.  

How do I tell my child that their mum or dad has died?

• If you can, talk to your child as soon as possible after your partner has died.
• When telling your child or children, have them together and physically close to you. It may help to have another adult with you for support. 
• Explain truthfully what has happened. What children don’t know, they often tend to make up, and what they imagine may be worse than the reality. One child told us:

It helps to know why everyone in the family is sad and worried because when you don’t know what is happening you can’t help thinking it’s your fault.

• Children can feel confused, worried or guilty if they are left guessing, so it is important that they are included and feel they can trust the adults around them. 
• Children need information and explanations that are honest and in language they understand. Use real words like ‘dead’ and ‘died’ and avoid using other phrases that can be very confusing for children, such as ‘gone to the stars’ ‘lost’ or ‘passed away’.
• To explain what death means to young children, you might say: "When someone has died, their body doesn’t work anymore. They don’t feel any pain, they are not scared, and they don’t need anything. Being dead isn’t like being asleep: when you are asleep your body still works really well." 
• Invite your child to ask questions, and to say what they think. Be honest and say if you don’t know the answer to something. You can say that if you do find out the answer, you will tell them. 
• Let your child see how you are feeling. Children learn about feelings by watching the adults around them. It is not helpful for children to be told they need to be brave.
• Very often, younger children can be concerned that in some way they caused their parent to die. Younger children often feel that their thoughts are very powerful, and that if they think something, they can make it happen. They need to be reassured that nothing they did, said or thought made this happen.
• You are likely to need to repeat information many times and answer lots of questions. You may be exhausted and struggling with your own grief and being asked the same questions over and over again can be extremely hard - but this is a child’s way of trying to make sense of what has happened. Children can often only take in a little information at a time, especially when it is upsetting and difficult to hear.

How might my child react when I tell them their mum or dad has died? 

Children and young people tend to show feelings with behaviours rather than words, and they absorb and process information in different ways at different ages. Their reactions will vary greatly from showing extreme distress, to looking blank as if nothing has happened, or even giggling nervously – all these are normal. Not reacting at first does not mean they don’t care or haven’t heard you. They may suddenly come back with a reaction or question later or may become very quiet and want to avoid the subject. It is not unusual for a child to feel anxious or insecure, angry or confused about the death and why it has happened. 

Should I let my child view the body of their parent?

Making a decision about this may not be easy – be guided by what feels right for your family. As long as children are well prepared for what they will see, and they do not feel pressured, bereaved children have told us that seeing the person can be helpful and not something they regret doing. It can help them to understand what has happened, and to say goodbye. 

Preparing your child is vital. If possible, arrange to see your partner’s body first, so that you know what they look like and can describe to your child the building and the room they are in, who is looking after them, what they are dressed in and how they look, to prepare both them and yourself as much as possible.

Children need to be given information:

• About where their parent’s body is being looked after – the place and the professional responsible.
• About who will take them and be with them during the visit. 
• That it’s OK if they change their mind, even at the last minute. They could stay outside the room at the funeral directors or look in through the door. Or they could do something special for the person like take in a letter or picture to be placed with them.  

If you see the body together, rather than tell your child what they can or should do, try to show them by example. If you touch your partner’s hand, this will show the child that they can do this if they wish.

Even when a person’s body is covered, perhaps due to injuries, it may be possible for the children to see part of the body they will recognise, for example a hand with familiar rings or a watch.

More on viewing a body with a child

Should my child attend their parent’s funeral? 

• When planning the funeral or memorial service, try to involve your child as much as possible. Ask them if they want something that is special to them to be included, such as a poem or music. Some families choose to do an additional, smaller event for children, such as visiting a special place or writing their own simple service.
• Prepare children for what will happen at the funeral and who will be there.
• Explain that some people may be upset or crying, and that this is what often happens at a funeral.
• Ask someone close to your child to be available to be with them at the funeral if they get upset or decide that they want to go out. This can also help you if you are overwhelmed with your own grief or worried about being unable to support your child.
• For young children take something to occupy them such as a favourite toy, colouring or story book.
• Talk about the funeral afterwards: You might say: "The people who were able to be there came because they cared about Mummy/Daddy. Other people couldn’t come but they sent a special card or watched the funeral online."

This sharing can help your child identify that people care for them. 

More on explaining funerals, burial and cremation to young children

How will my child grieve?

Children’s understanding and reactions are likely to vary. Even very young children can and do grieve, but the way in which children understand and react will be influenced by:

• the relationship they had with the parent
• the circumstances in which they died
• your child’s stage of development and their emotional maturity
• their experiences in life so far
• your family’s cultural and spiritual beliefs

Although a child’s age does not give an automatic level of understanding, here is some broad guidance on how children understand death at different stages in their development. It is helpful to remember that children, adolescents and adults can often regress to behaving younger when something as big as the death of a parent happens.

As children grow, they develop unevenly, so from time to time they seem to make leaps of understanding. This often happens at about 5 or 6 years old and at about 10, then again in early and late adolescence. At these points, children may need to talk about what happened and go over it again to fit it into their new view of the world. Revisiting their grief in this way is something children do naturally, and it does not mean they weren’t supported enough earlier in their grief.

More on children’s understanding of death at different ages

How can I support my grieving child when their mum or dad has died?

Stability, discipline and routine are important in helping children feel secure. Sending children away to friends or more distant family members in order to protect them is not necessarily the best thing for them; ideally, children need to stay in familiar surroundings with people who are part of their day-to-day life and do the things they normally do as far as possible.

Their sense of security will be shaken by such a significant loss, and this can make children feel very anxious. They often need more physical affection than usual such as regular hugs.

Children need lots of reassurance about who they have in their life to support them after a parent has died. Share basic plans about  practicalities such as who will help them with their homework or take them to school or activities. 

Older children may be more aware of other losses that might have to occur, and have worries such as: "Will we be able to stay in this house? Will I still be able to go to college or university?". Children value being included in decisions that affect them.

Children can worry that you or other people important to them might become ill and die too and may have separation anxiety. When you need to leave them, tell them when you will be back and stick to it – children can become very concerned when their surviving parent is late, for instance.

They may also fear that death is ‘catching’. It is not unusual for instance for children to talk about having symptoms similar to those of the parent who died of an illness. It is helpful to listen and take this seriously, and to offer reassurance and a loving response.

Many parents ask: ‘Should I discipline my child who is grieving?’ Trying to maintain normal levels of discipline, not letting children do as they please because they are grieving, is very important as keeping normal boundaries is an important way to help children feel secure.

How do I help my child express and understand their feelings? 

As adults, we instinctively want to protect children, but children are also very good at protecting the adults around them and as a result may at times choose to hide their feelings for fear of upsetting you. Children learn how to grieve by watching the adults around them, so don’t be afraid to show your child how you are feeling – hiding your own feelings to protect your child can leave them confused about the feelings they have and they may feel they should copy this behaviour too and bottle up their emotions.

Children often don’t have our adult words to describe how they feel. A grieving child may demonstrate naughty behaviours, anger, sleep disturbance, clinging and reverting to being more babyish, or even acting more grown up than usual. These are only a cause for concern when they last for a long time and affect the child’s ability to engage with life. Sometimes, children will ‘act out’ elements of the story of their parent’s death, and this can be disturbing to the adults around them; try to remember that this is one way in which children can begin to make sense of what has happened. Explain to the child that they will have periods of feeling happy where they may temporarily not think about the death of their parent and that this is OK too.

Anger is a common reaction to loss. Children can feel very angry with the parent who has died and left them, or they may be angry with you for surviving. If the death was sudden, there may have been no opportunity to say goodbye. They may have bitter regrets about something they said or wish they had said. The child may also be adjusting reluctantly to the new reality that as a lone parent you cannot give the same attention as before.

If their parent was ill for a long time before the death, children may feel relieved that the parent has died. They may also have resented how life changed when their parent was ill and feel guilty about these understandable emotions.

It is not unusual for children of any age to feel responsible in some way for the death, however irrational this may seem. They will need very clear reassurance that they are not to blame.

Children’s books about loss and death, and online resources for young people, can help their understanding of what has happened and the emotions they are experiencing.

More on what helps grieving children and young people

How can my child’s nursery, school, college or university help? 

Your child’s place of education, be it nursery, school, college or university, can help children and young people by simply providing normality, routine and social contact alongside any specific support they may be able to access there. It is important to talk to your child’s carers, teachers or a contact at college such as a welfare officer so that staff are aware of what has happened and can offer appropriate support. It can be helpful to identify one member of staff as a key contact.

If a young person is studying away from home, you may not have access to someone to speak to about their situation due to issues around student confidentiality and it can be difficult to know if they are struggling. Encourage the young person to find out about and use wellbeing services offered by their university or college. It may be that they will need to speak to their tutors about any options available should they need time off or be taking exams for instance.

Ideally school children need to be involved in deciding what their school friends are told about their bereavement and what would help them when they return to school. They may need time out during class and to have someone they know they can go to if they are feeling upset. This can be talked through with your child and discussed with teachers.

Many children and young people may worry about their friends or teachers knowing what has happened. Involve them in simple decisions such as who they would like to tell and how they’d like their teachers and friends to support them when they go into school.

Most children do not want to be seen as different when at school and prefer to be treated the same as everyone else. However, this should not prevent staff from offering discreet care and support. Often, school offers stability and routine when it feels like life at home has been turned upside-down and everything is different. Good communication between school and home is what to aim for, ensuring everyone is aware of how your child is managing.

Given the choice, most children bereaved of their parent do not want to be excluded from special activities around occasions like Mother’s Day or Father’s Day, but these need to be handled sensitively, and the child asked beforehand whether or how they would like to take part.

You might like to let your child’s school know that Child Bereavement UK produces comprehensive resources for schools and further education including a free downloadable guide Managing bereavement in schools alongside other free resources. We can also offer support to your child’s school.

Can my child’s friends help when my child is grieving?

Friends are very important to children, and especially to teenagers who may prefer to talk to their friends rather than to family members.

Should I be worried about my grieving teenager?

Children need to have fun and do things they enjoy – playing or socialising are in themselves therapeutic ways of coping. Encourage your child to see their friends where possible and help them to tell their friends what has happened.

Explain how you share your feelings, who you talk to and how it helps. Some friends may like to be given suggestions about ways they can be supportive, otherwise they may feel embarrassed at not knowing what to do or say, and this can make a child who is grieving feel excluded. Be mindful that children can be cruel in the playground, and sadly some bereaved children get bullied, but most schools will be able to intervene and tackle bullying. Children may also at times feel jealous of their friends who still have their mum or dad.

How can I help my child remember their mum or dad who has died? 

Memories make a big difference; children can worry that they will forget the person and are helped greatly when they are supported to remember things they and others did with their parent before they died. Some things that your child might find helpful are:

• Looking with you at photographs of their parent who has died
• Sharing family stories or memories of events involving the child and their parent
• Choosing and being able to keep an item of clothing worn by their parent
• Playing music their parent loved
• Making a scrapbook about their parent
• Making a collage of pictures, for example showing Daddy as a partner, Daddy as a father, and Daddy as a friend
• Putting together a memory box with each child in the family containing tangible reminders of their parent. This is the child’s personal collection of reminders of who their parent was and what they meant to them. It also gives a child a sense of having some control back in their lives as they choose what does and what doesn’t go into their memory box.

Read more on remembering someone who has died

How can I look after myself while supporting my bereaved child?

Managing life and your own grief at the same time as being a parent to your child or children can be exhausting. Don't expect too much of yourself – try to focus on managing one day at a time. What do you find helps you? Try to find a way of making some time for yourself to recharge your batteries. Some parents find it very hard to find the time to do this, but it will ultimately help you be better placed to support your child.

Accept any offers of help. Keep a list of jobs that need doing to help you answer when people ask ‘Is there anything I can do?’

• More on how we grieve and what may help

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