It does not appear to make a difference whether one’s child is three, thirteen or thirty if he dies. The emotion in each of us is the same. How could it be that a parent outlives a child? Harriet Sarnoff Schiff

The death of a child of any age is devastating for anyone to face. Regardless of the age of your child, their death goes against the natural order we expect in life.

The death of a child brings with it the loss of the future, hopes and dreams, and potential that can never be fulfilled. When your child is an adult, feelings of hopelessness, guilt, and anger can be complicated by the fact that your child is likely to have had a life that was separate from yours; there may have been aspects of their life in which you weren’t involved and they may have had their own family.

Why do I feel my grief isn’t being acknowledged?

Families of adult children who have died often say that they feel their grief is underestimated and that others can assume that the death of an adult child is somehow less devastating than the death of a younger child. Regardless of your child’s age when they died, they are still your child, and your grief is as legitimate as that of any parent; the bond you have with your child remains the same regardless of their age, and grief can be just as intense.

If your child has a partner and / or children or stepchildren, others may acknowledge their grief but overlook the fact that you too are grieving. If you are helping to care for grandchildren, you may understandably priortise their needs, but it is important to be able to express your own grief and to look after yourself. Emotional pain can show in physical ways, such as issues with sleep and appetite, and physical aches and pains. Improving your physical wellbeing, even in small ways, can help to reduce feelings of exhaustion, isolation or helplessness. View our resource for more on looking after yourself when someone has died. 

The feeling that your grief is not being fully acknowledged or that you have no one with whom you can share your feelings can be very upsetting. Speaking to a trusted person about your feelings or writing them down in a journal may be helpful. 

Why am I grieving differently to my partner?

The way two people in a relationship deal with grief can sometimes differ and this can put additional strain on a relationship when a couple face bereavement together. By understanding these differences, you can begin to achieve balance both with your partner and within yourself.

Grief is solitary. Even when other people are grieving for the same person, each person is managing their grief independently in a way that is unique to them. If you are in a couple, you may find it difficult to communicate with your partner, to express your feelings and to understand each other’s responses.

Each person will be impacted by grief in a different way, depending on the relationship that they had with the person who died, their personality, culture, and upbringing.

Why do I feel that I’ve lost my identity as a parent?

When an adult child dies, some parents can experience a profound loss of their identity as a parent. It’s important to recognise that while your child was an adult, and may even have been a parent themselves, you are still their parent and always will be. Talking to others about your child and finding ways to remember them can help you maintain that important sense of connection with them. 

For many parents, an adult child is also a friend and confidant(e) who may have been in regular contact. They may even have been a help to you with practical tasks, and part of your family occasions and traditions. You may also have had an expectation that your child would help to care for you as you grow older. It is understandable that the loss of this emotional and practical support may lead to you being concerned about your own future and wellbeing. It may also be the case that your relationship with them had become more distant, and this can also bring up difficult feelings. For someone to talk to, you can call our Helpline, or you can find out about other support organisations that can help.

Why do I feel left out of arrangements to remember my adult child who has died?

If your child has other next of kin then in some cases you may not be consulted on arrangements for their funeral, any activities that are organised to remember them, managing their estate, or dealing with their affairs and possessions. This can be very difficult, making you feel that your grief and relationship is not acknowledged, and denying you the opportunity to say goodbye as you might have wished. If it is possible, talk to your child’s next of kin about your wish to be involved in some way in the funeral and other arrangements and see if there any ways you can do something special, for instance by choosing a reading or piece of music for the service, or doing something else special in their memory that means something to you and acknowledges your relationship with your child.

In families where communication or relationships are difficult or distant, this may be more challenging. You may find it helpful to find your own ways of remembering and memorialising your child, perhaps by creating a memory box, talking about them with someone who also remembers them, writing about your memories, or planting something in their memory in a park or garden. See our resource for ways to remember someone important to you who has died.

How can I cope with being solely responsible for my adult child’s affairs?

If your child has no other next of kin, it is likely that you will be the person responsible for arranging their funeral and managing their affairs.

Arranging your child’s funeral and any activities to remember them may feel overwhelming when you’re grieving. Remember that others may be pleased to be able to help you in some way and may welcome being given jobs to do that include them in remembering your child.

Taking responsibility for personal affairs and possessions may also feel overwhelming. It may be helpful to contact a service like Settld which has partnered with Child Bereavement UK to provide a free online notification service to simplify the administration after someone has died, helping take away added stress at what is already a very difficult time.

Why do I feel guilty that I couldn’t help my adult child?

When an adult child dies, many bereaved parents tell us that they can sometimes feel intense feelings of anger that their child has died. You may feel guilty that you were not able to look after your adult child or ‘prevent’ your child from dying. In some cases you may have felt unable to talk to them, perhaps, about any behaviours that might have contributed to their death. All these feelings are normal and are a natural part of grieving.

These feelings can be further complicated if, for example, you were not aware that your adult child was ill or was struggling with their mental health. Medical professionals and social services are unlikely to share with you your adult child’s personal details and so the reason for their death, or information about their illness, might only be shared with their next of kin, which may be their spouse. Strained relationships can add to any feelings of helplessness or distress surrounding the death of your child, and we know from parents we have supported in this situation that talking to a professional outside of the immediate family, such as via our Helpline, can be helpful.

How can I support my adult child’s family?

It can be difficult communicating within a family when someone has died, even when you have a close relationship. In families where communication or relationships are difficult, you may not be able to help in all the ways that you would like to, potentially leaving you feeling misunderstood, hurt or angry.

If you live some distance away, despite an understandable feeling that you want to be there for them, it may be hard for the family to have you to stay or visit immediately after the death. Grief can be all consuming and the family may find it too overwhelming to have someone else to host, even someone they care about. Everyone grieves and responds differently and it is important to try not to take this personally. Equally you might also find it too much to stay with or visit them, even if they would like you to.

If possible, ask your child’s family what support would work for them, for instance they might like you to help with funeral arrangements or childcare. It’s important though to recognise that you are also grieving and to prioritise your own wellbeing too. 

How can I maintain my relationship with the family of my adult child who has died?

Where the relationship with a child’s partner has not been a positive or strong one, parents of adult children may be concerned about losing their relationship with their child’s partner and any grandchildren. Where the relationship was difficult, this may be more of a concern. It may be helpful to reach out to them, maybe by writing a letter, acknowledging that things have been difficult in the past and that you are thinking of them, and perhaps saying how much you would like to be part of their / your grandchildren’s lives going forward.

If you have a positive relationship with their family, it can help to say how much you would like to be part of their lives and continue to be supportive to them and, if you have grandchildren, being an ongoing part of their lives. 

In both situations it can be helpful to express your willingness to be supportive and how you would like your relationship to be going forward.

Why is looking after myself important after my adult child has died?

Grief is exhausting, so looking after your wellbeing can help you to face everyday challenges, stresses and changes, and build the emotional and physical strength to do what is important to you. It can be useful to start with small, achievable self care activities that become a part of your routine. 

How can I find support?

There are no rules in grief and how we grieve differs from individual to individual. You may have lots of support around you, but even so, you may feel it helpful to talk to someone outside of your immediate circle, or to seek additional support.

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