Support & guidance Find support How we can support you When someone is not expected to live When a parent, main carer, brother or sister or other special person is not expected to live, the prospect of communicating this to a child can be daunting, especially when you are upset or in shock yourself. For a parent who is seriously ill facing the prospect of your child growing up without you, or for a parent facing the death of your partner while trying to support your child, the situation can be extremely challenging. Families facing the loss of a child can feel devastated and completely overwhelmed at the prospect of having to talk to their child and any siblings. To protect children, and themselves, parents or carers may want to avoid the subject for as long as possible. This can be even more understandable when it is not certain what course an illness will take, or how their child’s life might be affected. Children can often sense when important things are not being shared with them, picking up on signs of tension and distress, and this can lead to them feeling anxious, confused and excluded. They will feel more secure if they are kept informed in a way that they can understand. Avoiding the subject may leave them afraid that they have done something wrong, or too worried to ask questions. How can I explain to my child that someone important to them is very ill? What you tell your child will depend on their age and understanding, and how much they already know. It is best to start giving them information early on, in bite-size chunks, allowing them time in between to process what they have been told and ask you any questions. Only give them the information they need at the time; you can always add more information later. If your child knows something already, begin by acknowledging this. The way in which your child responds will help you to confirm what they know and gauge their level of understanding. If someone is not expected to live, you could ask what they have noticed about them recently. They might say something like, 'he’s too tired to play with me.' They may go on to say more about what they think is happening. You might say: 'Daddy’s illness is called cancer. Because of it, his body can’t work very well. Have you noticed any changes in Daddy?' or: 'Mummy was driving her car and it crashed. She was badly hurt and is in hospital, but she is so hurt that the doctors can't make her better.' How do I tell my child that someone is going to die? The courage it takes to talk to a child about a serious illness or death cannot be underestimated. Children can often sense when something is wrong or when things are being kept from them which can result in them feeling fearful and isolated. Their security is based on trusting the people who care for them. Avoiding the subject may leave them too worried to ask questions, afraid that they have done something wrong or are in some way to blame for what’s happening. Some may need direct reassurance that this is not the case. Some children may ask directly if the person is going to die. It is best to be honest and support children in the reality of what is going to happen rather than trying to protect them with false hopes, which can lead to them not trusting you later. If your child knows something already, acknowledge this. You might say: 'You know that Joe has been ill for a long time, and the doctors have been trying to make him better.' Guided by what they say, you might say: 'Joe’s illness has got a lot worse, and the doctors have tried everything they can. There isn't anything more they can do now to make him better, and that means Joe won't live for much longer. This means that Joe will sadly die. We don’t know when this will be, but the doctors think it could be very soon.' Allow your child to express how they feel about what is happening. It is OK, and can be helpful for them, for you to show some of your feelings. You might say: 'I am very upset and sad too, but you can still talk to me.' Reassure them that nothing they did caused their special person to be ill or injured. Comfort them and assure your child that they will continue to be loved and looked after. Acknowledge your child’s grief and support them emotionally by saying you (and others) are there for hugs, time to talk, and to do things together. You can also ask them how they might like to help support their special person such as by visiting them in hospital, making them a card, or doing other tasks, depending on what is possible. How might my child react to the news that someone is going to die? When someone is not expected to live, our grieving for them often starts before they die. How a child or young person grieves is influenced by their age and understanding, their previous experience of bereavement, their culture, and the closeness of their relationship with the person who is dying. When first told that someone important to them is going to die, your child’s reactions may include shock and numbness, sadness, anxiety, anger, and even guilt. Some children may look blank, or not show any immediate reaction, as they need time to process what they have been told. They may ask questions, and if you don’t know the answer, it is OK to say you don’t know but that you will try to find out. Reassure your child that whatever they are feeling is OK and that there is nothing they thought, did or said to cause the situation. Younger children may not fully understand the implications of what you are telling them, or that death is permanent, and you may need to tell them repeatedly as their understanding develops. How can I help my child cope with any uncertainty? There is often uncertainty about when someone will actually die. Some people can die sooner than expected and others can respond to various treatments and live longer than it was thought they would. Young children often only understand things in very concrete terms, and being unable to provide them with a definite answer can prove difficult. Your family may have had to live with uncertainty for many months, or years, and may have prepared for the worst several times. In such circumstances it can be hard to believe that the person is actually going to die, and so children may not be willing to accept what is now being said to them. It can help to acknowledge how they feel and encourage any questions they have. You may find it helpful to look at our creative activities for bereaved children and young people for ways you can help your child express their feelings and talk about any worries or concerns. How can I answer any questions my child may have? Your child may have lots of questions as they try to make sense of what is happening and may need answers to be repeated frequently, with sensitivity and patience. Adults can often fear the questions children may ask. They may be the very questions you dread or can’t bear to think about, but it is vital to try to respond to your child. If your child is asking a question it is an indication that they are ready to hear the answer and it is important to take the opportunity to support them and give them the information they need. Answer any questions honestly and simply, and check that they have understood what you have said. If you don’t know the answer, it is OK to say, 'I don’t know, but if I find out, I’ll tell you'. When a child asks, 'What happens when people die?', a simple answer that can be understood by most children is: 'When someone dies, their heart and breathing stops, and their body doesn’t work anymore'. View our resource for more on explaining to a child that someone has died. You can also acknowledge that this is a good question which can be hard to answer and then ask the child what they think. This can help you to find out the child’s level of understanding and correct any misconceptions they may have. It can also be a chance to share thoughts according to your family’s culture and beliefs. Just as adults seek to protect children, so children may try to protect the adults around them by not showing their feelings. Younger children may move quickly in and out of feelings, sometimes being upset and sometimes wanting to play. This is normal and is because young children are often not able to stay with very difficult feelings for very long. However, it doesn’t mean that they are not affected. For more information watch our short animated film, Puddle Jumping. Older children may not express or share their difficult feelings which can make their grief harder to manage in the long-term. Our short animated films, Volcano and The Invisible Suitcase, explain how young people can cope with difficult feelings. How can I support my child when someone is not expected to live? Each child is likely to react in their unique way. How they respond will be affected by their personality, age, level of understanding and the nature of the relationship they have with the person who is not expected to live. Spend time togetherTry to spend time together as a whole family, including time with the person who is dying if this is possible, and if this reflects their needs and wishes. If the person is in hospital or in a hospice, you could talk to the staff for guidance around what might be possible and how they can support you. Keep to familiar routinesAlthough it may be difficult, it can help to try to keep to familiar routines as far as possible, which help children feel secure at a time of upheaval. It will help them if you can be honest and clear about what routines will continue and what may not be possible for a time. Older children and teenagers are likely to want more detailed information as their thinking and emotional understanding develops. They may ask searching questions about the impact of what is happening in the family, the implications for them, and what may happen in future. Talk to your child's schoolKeeping contact with school and telling your child’s teachers what is happening at home can help them support your child appropriately while they are in school, where they spend a considerable amount of their daily life. It may help the school to understand any pressures around homework or exams. You may find it helpful to share our resources for education professionals with your child’s school. Maintain boundariesContinuing normal levels of discipline can help a child feel safe within known boundaries. Children’s feelings often show through their behaviour and their play. Their behaviour may be more challenging or disruptive than usual with angry outbursts, or they may become quieter or more helpful than usual. These are both normal reactions to an event in their life that feels anything but normal. Try to be aware of any unusual behaviour. Children who are anxious may show behaviour changes, including becoming clingier, not being able to sleep, or behaving as if they were younger. This often settles down with reassurance and support. If it continues over a long period of time, and is affecting how your child functions in daily life, it may be helpful to seek some additional support. Maintain open communicationMake time and space for your child to ask you questions. It is very important to make time to keep communicating, even if talking about the situation or the future feels difficult. Equally, taking a break and just spending time together can be very comforting for both you and your child. Look after yourselfWhen you are coping with stress and grief it is important to look after yourself and to keep in mind your child’s physical health too, such as making sure everyone eats regularly and tries to keep to healthy sleep routines. How can my child be involved in caregiving? Children feel more involved and their self-esteem is boosted when they are able to help in caregiving, even in small ways such as adjusting the person’s pillows or making them a card. A child can offer a lot of support to someone who is seriously ill, by playing normally with them, or by simply keeping them company, depending on what is possible. Some people who are very ill, including children, can benefit greatly from a sense of 'normality' in those around them. Where possible, ask your child what they would like to do to support their special person, and provide them with the information they might need to make that choice. Being involved in making decisions can give your child some control in a world where so much feels out of control. How can I find support? The courage it takes to talk to a child about serious illness or death cannot be underestimated. When someone is not expected to live, it is an enormously difficult time for the whole family and for those supporting them. Meeting the needs of your child alongside your own emotional or practical needs may seem overwhelming at times. Use whatever support is available to you, ask for help, and try not to expect too much of yourself. We can provide support when someone is not expected to live, please contact our Helpline for more information. Visit our page: How we can support you for more on our services. 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