What is bereavement?

When a person is bereaved it means that a loved one, or someone else important to them, has died. We tend to use the term ‘bereavement’ to describe the period after someone has died in which people who cared about them are grieving. 

Who can be affected by bereavement?

Bereavement is a common experience and most of us will at some time experience the death of someone who is important to us, as a child, young person or adult. People often say that they have ‘lost’ the person, that they ‘passed away’ or have ‘gone’ although at Child Bereavement UK we always recommend saying the word ‘died’, as euphemisms can be confusing, especially to children.

Is grief different to bereavement?

Most people who are bereaved experience grief, which involves feeling lots of different emotions in response to the death of the person. 

More on how we grieve and what may help

What does grief feel like?

There is no set pattern to grieve and everyone will grieve in their own way. You may experience all sorts of feelings or you may feel nothing. You may find it easy to talk or you might bottle all of your emotions up. There are no rules in grief. Whatever happens, be kind to yourself and give yourself time to heal.

Is grief like depression, anxiety or mental illness?

Grief is not a mental illness, but it can affect your wellbeing, including your physical and mental health. Research, and the experience of people who have lost someone, show that it is important to grieve as the process of grieving helps us to accept the death and to carry on living and functioning without the person who has died. 

Does everyone grieve in the same way?

No matter whether it’s a mother, father, brother, sister, husband, wife, grandma, grandad, or friend who has died, everyone grieves differently and there is no right or wrong way to feel when you are bereaved; it depends on the relationship you had with that person, not just the relationship to them.

More on why partners may grieve differently

Are there stages in grief?

One theory is that there are five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance (Five Stages of Grief, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross) which everyone experiences in the same order.  However, we know now that while we experience a range of different feelings when we're grieving, and it is important to recognise these feelings, they are not experienced at specific times and in a specific order. In fact you can experience any of the emotions at any time, in any order over time, and even in the same hour.  

Lois Tonkin's model of grief  (Growing around grief- another way of looking at grief and recovery, Lois Tonkin, 2009) says that we grow around our grief. At first your grief is the only thing you can think about. However, over time, your life will begin to encompass other things including things you enjoy and other memories. Your grief won’t become smaller, but it will become a part of your life rather than the whole focus of your life; you may find yourself ‘growing around grief’. Grief however is not linear; sometimes anniversaries, subsequent bereavements and things that remind you of your special person may make your grief feel as intense as it did when they died. Or sometimes, your grief simply rushes back and fills up every bit of you again. For a time, your grief may feel ‘larger’ and for a time it may feel a more dominant part of your life. It’s important to understand that no two people grieve in the same way and that models of grief won’t apply in the same way to everyone .

William Worden (J William Worden (2009) 4th Edition, Springer New York) identifies four Tasks of Grief – accepting the reality of the death, processing the pain of the grief, adjusting to a world without the person who has died, and looking to the future while maintaining a connection with the person who has died. There is no set pattern as everyone grieves differently and you may move back and forth between them the different tasks.

Is it important to express grief? 

Expressing grief is healthy and trying to avoid these feelings can cause problems in the future. If you feel you are suppressing your grief, or your anger or guilt continues for a long time or takes over from other feelings, you may want to consider seeking support from a trained professional such as a counsellor or a bereavement support practitioner. 

More on looking after yourself when someone has died

What is the difference between bereavement counselling and bereavement support?

At Child Bereavement UK, we offer support from trained bereavement support practitioners.  Like a bereavement counsellor or a grief counsellor, a bereavement support practitioner listens confidentially to a bereaved person about their grief. However, our bereavement support practitioners also offer guidance based on what other bereaved families tell us helps them, and signpost to activities and resources. They also, where appropriate and with permission of the family, liaise with other agencies such as schools and social services.

• Find support near you
• Child Bereavement UK support services
• About our Helpline