When a parent, sibling, grandparent or friend has died, children and young people grieve just as deeply as adults, but they can show it in different ways. They learn how to grieve by copying the responses of the adults around them and rely on them to support them in their grief.

How a child or young person responds to someone dying will be influenced by their age and understanding, the relationship they had with the person who died, and how the person died.

A range of reactions and emotions are common, and are likely to settle over time with reassurance, acknowledging what has happened and their feelings, giving them clear and age-appropriate information, and keeping to normal routines.

How can I tell a child that someone has died?

Telling a child of any age that someone has died should be done as soon as possible, ideally by someone who is closest to them. Use clear, age-appropriate language and avoid words and phrases like 'gone' or 'passed away' which can be confusing for children. Expect questions and that you may have to answer the same question repeatedly, especially with younger children.

How do children and young people grieve?

How children and young people grieve is influenced by their age, understanding and experience. The way they react will vary greatly, as individual children absorb and process information differently. 

Younger children cannot usually cope with strong emotions for too long and may appear to jump in and out of their grief as if they are jumping in and out of a puddle. Watch our short animated film Puddle Jumping to find out more about how young children grieve and how adults can support them. 

Young people may feel overwhelmed by their feelings. Our film, Volcano aims to help children and young people cope with difficult feelings including anger, and explains why it’s a good idea to release emotions now and then so they don’t build up and become un manageable.

How does a child or young person’s age affect how they grieve?

In children under five, when someone familiar dies, the overriding response will be a sense of loss. Even a baby might pick up on an emotionally-charged atmosphere and may sense that something important is missing or has changed. Babies and young children may be more demanding and need comforting more than usual.

Children over five gradually begin to develop an understanding that death is permanent and irreversible and that the person who has died will not return. Children’s imagination and 'magical thinking' at this age can mean that some children may believe that their thoughts or actions caused the death, and they can feel guilty, or they may think 'if I do this, Dad will come back'. They may behave very well to compensate for what’s happened, or be less well-behaved because they feel angry or guilty. Not being given sufficient information in age-appropriate language can lead them to make up and fill in the gaps in their knowledge. If this is the case, it is important to reassure them that nothing they said, thought or did caused the person to die.

Adolescence is a time of great change, challenge and uncertainty; dealing with a death on top of this can feel overwhelming. Young people we have supported have told us that when someone important in their life has died, they often feel misunderstood by friends and the adults around them, and consequently they feel alone in their grief. This can lead to them becoming angry, apathetic or withdrawn. 

While you may be worried about a bereaved teenager, let them know that difficult feelings are a natural reaction to death. Encourage them to talk about their feelings, and if they find it difficult to open up to you, consider that they may prefer to talk to another trusted adult, perhaps to someone outside the immediately family such as a friend, or a professional.

For more information, see our resource: Children's understanding of death at different ages.

What can I do if my child is denying what has happened or is taking risks?

Bereavement can be overwhelming, and can bring huge changes, alongside other challenges that young people face as they grow up. They may want to forget or deny the death, or how strongly they feel. They may feel 'what’s the point?' with school or social activities. Some young people may be impulsive or take risks in an attempt to get back some control in their life that, for them, currently feels out of control. If this is the case, it can be helpful to include them in decisions that affect them and to give them a sense of control in areas of their life where this is possible. 

How do I reply if my child asks if someone who has died is coming back? 

Children may ask repeatedly: "When’s Nanny coming back?" or "Where has she gone?" even though they may have been told clearly what has happened. They may hunt everywhere for a 'lost' person, and so a clear explanation of what 'died' means can help. Children may play games where the person dies, or is still alive. They may seem fascinated with death, play-act about death or ask repeatedly about it. All of these are normal ways in which children show that they are processing their understanding of what has happened. It is important to be patient with their questions and to explain clearly what death means.

Is it normal for a child to feel anxious or insecure?

When someone dies, a child’s sense of safety is rocked. They may not want to leave you, and may cling to you or follow you everywhere. They may behave as if they are younger: being very quiet or tearful, having temper flare-ups, sucking their thumb, being reluctant to do things they used to do with confidence, or wetting the bed.

Try to keep to normal routines which will help them feel safe, and keep them informed about plans for the days ahead. Tell them who will take them to school or activities. If you need to leave them, tell them when you will be home, or who will be looking after them.

Include them in simple decision-making that affects them. If the person who died was ill, address any fears about the illness with factual information, for example that it is not catching, if that is the case/by reassuring them that you are not ill/not leaving them.

Is it normal for a child to feel angry?

Anger and other strong emotions are natural reactions to sad or shocking news, and some children and young people may not be able to understand or manage their own feelings. They may feel angry at the person who died, at family, at themselves, or at the world in general.

It can help to tell a child it is understandable and OK for them to be angry, as long as they don’t hurt themselves or anyone else. Safe ways to release anger include hitting cushions, physical exercise, or doing art such as messy painting. Another idea is creating a ‘safe zone’ where they can go to calm down. This could be a quiet corner with familiar items that help them to feel comforted and secure.

If a young person had a difficult relationship with the person who has died, they may experience conflicting feelings, including anger, which may feel difficult and upsetting. Try not to make assumptions about how the young person might grieve and give them the opportunity to express their feelings when they are ready, whether that is through talking to a trusted person or a bereavement support practitioner, or doing something creative such as writing about their emotions. 

You may find it helpful to watch our short animated film, Volcano with your child, which aims to help children and young people cope with difficult feelings like sadness, anger, worry and guilt.

What if a child is feeling protective towards others? 

As children realise that death is permanent, they also become aware that it happens to other people including themselves. They may be protective and try to look after their important adults and siblings. It’s not helpful to tell a child that they need to be 'brave' or 'look after' others in their family but to allow them to be children and to express their feelings in their own way. 

What can help grieving children and young people?

What can help a grieving child will be unique to your child and each child will cope with the death of someone in their own way. Things that can help include:

• Clear, honest and age-appropriate information
• Reassurance that they are not to blame 
• Reassurance that a range of different feelings are OK
• Normal routines and a clear demonstration that trusted adults in their life are there for them
• Time to talk about what has happened, ask questions and build memories
• Being listened to and given time to grieve in their own way

Helping a bereaved child build resilience is especially important. While you can’t take away their sadness, you can support them to feel good about themselves and find ways to manage any worries and uncertainties. 

You may also find it helpful to look at our list of books and resources.

How can I support a grieving child with autism or SEND?

Just like any other child, an autistic child will need their grief to be recognised and understood and to be given opportunities to express how they feel. Due to differences in how they process information and understand abstract ideas, autistic children may have specific challenges in developing their own ideas about death and the rituals that surround it. It can help to explain things using pictures and real objects.

A child with SEND or with a learning disability may also need extra help with their understanding and ways to express their feelings. 

How can I help my grieving child remember the person who has died?

Adults can help a child remember someone who has died through activities, encouraging conversation about the person, and reinforcing and building any memories your child has. View our resource for ideas on creative activities that can help children and young people to remember someone special to them who has died. 

Where a child doesn’t remember someone who has died or has incomplete memories, sharing your own memories or positive stories can help them feel connected to the person and feel part of their family’s history. 

Should my bereaved child attend a funeral?

As long as a child is prepared for what is going to happen and what they will see, attending the funeral can be a helpful experience to help them understand the finality of death, as well as being an opportunity to grieve and say goodbye.  View our resource for more on explaining a funeral to a young child. You may also find it helpful to watch our short animated films with your child Explaining funerals to children: what happens at a burial? and Explaining funerals to children: what happens at a cremation?

If your child does not want to attend, or if you decide that you don’t want your young child to go to the funeral, you might perhaps choose to include them in the gathering afterwards, or to have another, private way to include them in remembering the person who has died.

How can a stepparent or kinship carer support a bereaved child?

Supporting stepchildren when a biological parent has died can be challenging. It’s not possible for a stepparent to fully fill the void that is left, however it is possible to create a family structure that supports, includes and welcomes everyone with open communication. 

Kinship carers are often close family members who may be grieving themselves. Juggling looking after the children and helping them through their grief while also grieving yourself can be challenging. As a kinship carer, it’s important to recognise this, to listen and to give one another time.

Finding support

For many bereaved children and young people, they may get all the support they need from those already around them that they know and trust. However, some children and young people may need additional support depending on their situation. 

You may find it helpful to attend our one-hour webinar for parents and carers who are supporting a bereaved child or children.

• Child Bereavement UK support services
• About our Helpline
• Find other support organisations near you

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Visit our page: How we can support you for more on our services.

You can also call our Helpline 0800 02 888 40, email [email protected], or use Live Chat on our website.