Skip over main navigation
  • Log in
  • Basket: (0 items)
  • Pages
  • Alex’s Story
Child Bereavement UK
Call our Helpline 0800 02 888 40 Donate
Menu
  • Support & guidance
    • Find support
      • How we can support you
      • Helpline
      • Other support organisations near you
      • Bereavement support resources in other languages
      • ‎Participate in research
      • What are bereavement and grief?
    • Support for young people
      • Supporting bereaved children
      • Support for bereaved young people
      • Telling a child that someone has died
      • When someone is not expected to live
      • Sudden death - including accidents, suicide and homicide
      • When your partner dies: Supporting your children
      • For adults bereaved as children
      • Bereavement support information in Ukrainian
    • Death of a baby or child
      • When your baby dies
      • Grieving for a child of any age
      • Sudden death; including accidents, suicide and homicide
      • Supporting grieving adults
      • When a child is not expected to live
  • Resources for professionals
    • Resources and guidance
      • Films, books and resources
      • Schools / further education
      • Health and social care
      • Employers
    • Working with bereaved families
      • Supporting bereaved families
      • Supporting yourself and colleagues
      • Supporting families pre-bereavement
      • Consultancy and supervision
  • Training
    • What we offer
      • Child Bereavement UK training
      • Bespoke training / workplace training
      • Consultancy and supervision
    • Bookings
      • Book training
      • Frequently asked questions
    • Testimonies
      • Professional case studies
  • Get involved
    • Ways to give
      • Make a donation
      • Leave a gift in your Will
      • Make a donation in memory
      • Payroll giving
    • Fundraise for us
      • Take on a challenge
      • Fundraising campaigns and activities
      • Organise your own fundraiser
      • Hear from our fundraisers
    • Other ways to support our work
      • Volunteer with us
      • Attend an event
      • Become a corporate partner
      • Volunteer at a festival
  • About us
    • About our work
      • About Child Bereavement UK
      • Our impact
      • Our people and patrons
      • UK death and bereavement statistics
    • News and stories
      • Case studies
      • Blogs
      • Press releases
      • Newsletters
    • Films
      • Short guidance films
      • Short animated films
      • Bereaved families' experiences
      • Young people's films
    • Get in touch / work with us
      • Contact us
      • Vacancies
      • Volunteer with us
  • Shop
  • Admin
    • Log in
    • Pages
    • Alex’s Story
  • Basket: (0 items)
  1. Support & guidance
  2. Death of a baby or child
  3. Supporting grieving adults

Supporting grieving adults

How can I help someone I know who is bereaved?

When someone has been bereaved, family and friends can often find it difficult to know what to say or do. Here are some tips that may help.Whether you are family, a friend, employer, teacher or other professional, you can do a lot to support bereaved adults and their families, even in simple ways.

  • Easy Read guides for adults - For people with difficulty reading
  • A guide to supporting someone who is bereaved

What should I say to someone I know who is bereaved?

If you see someone you know who is bereaved, one of the most hurtful things you can do is avoid them or pretend you haven’t seen them. It can be daunting to know what to say but it can help to remember that the person who is bereaved won’t expect or want you to have all the answers or to make them feel better. However, they will appreciate you saying something that acknowledges their loss.

Try not to avoid the subject but say something simple like ‘Hello, it’s good to see you’ or even something like: ‘I’m so sorry to hear about {insert name/relationship}’. Even saying ‘I don’t know what to say’ is better than saying nothing. Take your cue from the bereaved person as to whether they want to talk more about the person who has died. If you’re not sure, ask them. If they want to talk, listen. If you knew the person who has died and it feels right, you could share a nice memory of them.

If you find yourself getting upset speaking to a bereaved friend, that’s OK. You don’t need to feel embarrassed, and your friend may appreciate that you care. Equally, it’s OK to sit silently with someone, if you both feel comfortable with this.

What shouldn’t I say to someone I know who is bereaved?

Don’t say ‘I know what you are going through’ even if you’re bereaved yourself. Everyone’s experience of bereavement is personal to them and no one can possibly know how it feels for someone else. Don’t say things like ‘you’ll get over it’ or if they’ve lost a child or baby suggest that they can ‘always have another one’. And don’t tell them how they should feel or say things like ‘Stay strong’ or ‘Be brave’ or use cliches like ‘Time is a great healer’, or ‘He/she is in a better place now’.

What help can I offer to someone I know who is bereaved?

Rather than asking ‘Is there anything I can do?', which can feel quite vague to someone who is grieving, it can be helpful to offer something specific. Some people appreciate being offered practical support like preparing a meal, looking after children for a while or doing some shopping. If you can’t think of something specific, then it’s best to just ask them what would be helpful to them. Sometimes though you can offer powerful emotional support simply by listening, and being company for them, maybe by suggesting meeting for a coffee or going for a walk if these are possible. Stay connected in the weeks and months ahead, even if it’s just by making a phone call or sending a card. Families we support tell us this can be particularly helpful after the initial flurry of support has diminished.

Don’t act on the person’s behalf without consulting them. It may seem helpful to clear out a nursery after their baby has died or arrange the funeral for them, but it is crucial that these kinds of decisions are made by the parents when they feel ready. They have already lost so much – it is vital not to take away their control over important decisions in your own need to be helpful. If they ask you to help, that is different, and being alongside them while they make difficult decisions can be very helpful indeed.

Be patient - even if it sometimes feels that you can’t say or do anything to help, especially in the early days. Just being with your bereaved friend, or keeping in contact, without being intrusive can help more than you know.

I’d like to send a sympathy card. What should I write?

What you write in your card is individual to you and will naturally be influenced by your relationship with the bereaved person and the person who has died. Whatever the situation, you don’t need to write something formal or flowery; just writing ‘I’m so sorry’ or ‘I’m thinking of you at this difficult time’ will mean a lot to a bereaved friend.

Don’t be afraid to mention the name of the person who has died and share any memories you might have, especially if they are things that will make them feel proud or remind them of a happy time.

You might add an offer of practical support to your letter or card, if you’re able to. It is helpful to make this as specific as possible, for instance offering to organise some shopping or other practical help. Sometimes a bereaved person isn’t ready to accept help, but it can be supportive to offer it and perhaps add your phone number to your letter or card so they can call when the time is right.

Don’t expect a reply or be upset if they don’t take you up on your offer; being bereaved can be overwhelming. Just keep in touch from time to time and ask them what they would find helpful without making them feel under any pressure to respond.

The anniversary of the death, birthdays and other special days may be very difficult. Sending a card, or just saying that you remember, may be very much appreciated.

Seek support for yourself

Spending time with someone who is grieving often puts us in touch with our own losses. It’s important that you feel supported so that you can help your friend, relative or colleague. This is also important if you are a professional supporting someone who is bereaved

  • When bereavement enters the workplace
  • Returning to work when a baby or child has died: guidance for employers

Published: 19th March, 2019

Updated: 20th January, 2022

Author: Robin Ngai

Share this page
  • Email
  • Facebook
  • Twitter

Latest

  • Can't Attend? Donate Instead

    Your support enables us to continue to help bereaved families, young people and children to rebuild their lives after the devastation of bereavement.

  • Database Officer | Full-time | Remote

    We are looking for an enthusiastic, personable and self-motivated individual to join our database team at Child Bereavement UK.

  • Fundraising Administration Assistant | Full-time | Hybrid

    This is an exciting opportunity for someone passionate about the sector and looking to develop their skills as a fundraiser.

  • Madness Concert

    Madness Concert

    Albert Park | Middlesbrough

Most read

  • Telling a child that someone has died

    It is important to tell a child of any age when someone important in their lives has died, and ideally this is done by someone who is closest to them.

  • Supporting bereaved children and young people

    Children and young people grieve just as much as adults but they show it in different ways. Find out how you can help them and more about child grieving.

  • Grieving for a child of any age

    The agony of losing a child of any age is unparalleled. There is no age or point in time that makes it any easier. No parent expects to face the death of their child and no grandparent expects to lose their grandchild.

  • When a grandparent dies - the impact on children and young people

    When a grandparent dies - the impact on children and young people

    The death of a grandparent is often a child or young person’s first encounter with the death of someone important. Parents have a great deal to manage when their own parent or carer dies. There is the grief associated with their own loss, but also the reactions and responses of their children to the death of a grandparent.

  • Children's understanding of death at different ages

    Babies and young children have no understanding of the concept of death yet, long before they are able to talk, babies are likely to react to upset and changes in their environment brought about by the absence of a significant person.

  • Child Bereavement UK training

    Child Bereavement UK designs and delivers training for professionals in health and social care, education, the emergency services and the voluntary and corporate sectors, equipping them to provide the best possible care to bereaved families.

  • Contact us

    Contact us

    Contact one of the Child Bereavement UK centres or get in touch with one of our departments.

  • When your baby dies

    When your baby dies

    When a baby lives only a short time or dies before birth due to miscarriage, stillbirth or a painful decision to end the pregnancy, people may assume that the loss is not important. This is simply not the case.

  • Explaining funerals, burial and cremation to children

    Explaining funerals, burial and cremation to children

    The following are suggestions to give you the confidence to talk about funerals in a way that feels right for you and your children.

  • UK death & bereavement statistics

    UK death & bereavement statistics

    A parent of children under 18 dies every 22 minutes in the UK; around 23,600 a year. This equates to around 111 children being bereaved of a parent every day.

Tag cloud

Child Bereavement UK Death of a baby Death of a parent Explaining death to children films Information Sheet 2020 Milton Keynes parenting a bereaved child Pregnancy following stillbirth returning to school Same Sex Couple short film short guidance films Stillbirth Young People's Advisory Group YPAG
Short guidance films

Short guidance films

Our short films are delivered by support practitioners and cover a range of topics on grief and bereavement, providing guidance on what can help. Read more

Published: 25th March, 2019

Updated: 1st December, 2021

Author: Robin Ngai

Books and resources

Books and resources

A list of books and resources relating to grief and bereavement and what may help. Read more

Published: 21st October, 2021

Updated: 30th November, 2021

Author: Harriet Hieatt-Smith

Others' experiences

Others' experiences

Some bereaved families find it helpful to read about other peoples’ experiences and how the support they have received has helped them. Read more

Published: 30th November, 2021

Updated: 1st December, 2021

Author: Emma Van Allan

Connect with us

Sign up to our newsletter and connect with us on social media to keep up to date with our latest news, activities and services. We'll never sell or swap your details with anybody else. You are free to change your mind at anytime.

Sign up to our newsletter
  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • YouTube
  • LinkedIn
  • Instagram
  • Contact us
  • Work with us
  • Sitemap
  • Terms & Conditions
  • Accessibility

Registered in England and Wales: 1040419 and Scotland: SCO42910

Copyright 2022 Child Bereavement UK

Manage Cookie Preferences