When someone I know has been bereaved

How can I help someone I know who is bereaved?

When someone has been bereaved, family and friends can often find it difficult to know what to say or do. Here are some tips that may help.Whether you are family, a friend, employer, teacher or other professional, you can do a lot to support bereaved adults and their families, even in simple ways.

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A guide to supporting someone who is bereaved

What should I say to someone I know who is bereaved?

If you see someone you know who is bereaved, one of the most hurtful things you can do is avoid them or pretend you haven’t seen them. It can be daunting to know what to say but it can help to remember that the person who is bereaved won’t expect or want you to have all the answers or to make them feel better. However, they will appreciate you saying something that acknowledges their loss.

Try not to avoid the subject but say something simple like ‘Hello, it’s good to see you’ or even something like: ‘I’m so sorry to hear about {insert name/relationship}’. Even saying ‘I don’t know what to say’ is better than saying nothing. Take your cue from the bereaved person as to whether they want to talk more about the person who has died. If you’re not sure, ask them. If they want to talk, listen. If you knew the person who has died and it feels right, you could share a nice memory of them.

If you find yourself getting upset speaking to a bereaved friend, that’s OK. You don’t need to feel embarrassed, and your friend may appreciate that you care. Equally, it’s OK to sit silently with someone, if you both feel comfortable with this.

What shouldn’t I say to someone I know who is bereaved?

Don’t say ‘I know what you are going through’ even if you’re bereaved yourself. Everyone’s experience of bereavement is personal to them and no one can possibly know how it feels for someone else. Don’t say things like ‘you’ll get over it’ or if they’ve lost a child or baby suggest that they can ‘always have another one’. And don’t tell them how they should feel or say things like ‘Stay strong’ or ‘Be brave’ or use cliches like ‘Time is a great healer’, or ‘He/she is in a better place now’.

What help can I offer to someone I know who is bereaved?

Rather than asking ‘Is there anything I can do?', which can feel quite vague to someone who is grieving, it can be helpful to offer something specific. Some people appreciate being offered practical support like preparing a meal, looking after children for a while or doing some shopping. If you can’t think of something specific, then it’s best to just ask them what would be helpful to them. Sometimes though you can offer powerful emotional support simply by listening, and being company for them, maybe by suggesting meeting for a coffee or going for a walk if these are possible. Stay connected in the weeks and months ahead, even if it’s just by making a phone call or sending a card. Families we support tell us this can be particularly helpful after the initial flurry of support has diminished.

Don’t act on the person’s behalf without consulting them. It may seem helpful to clear out a nursery after their baby has died or arrange the funeral for them, but it is crucial that these kinds of decisions are made by the parents when they feel ready. They have already lost so much – it is vital not to take away their control over important decisions in your own need to be helpful. If they ask you to help, that is different, and being alongside them while they make difficult decisions can be very helpful indeed.

Be patient - even if it sometimes feels that you can’t say or do anything to help, especially in the early days. Just being with your bereaved friend, or keeping in contact, without being intrusive can help more than you know.

I’d like to send a sympathy card. What should I write?

What you write in your card is individual to you and will naturally be influenced by your relationship with the bereaved person and the person who has died. Whatever the situation, you don’t need to write something formal or flowery; just writing ‘I’m so sorry’ or ‘I’m thinking of you at this difficult time’ will mean a lot to a bereaved friend.

Don’t be afraid to mention the name of the person who has died and share any memories you might have, especially if they are things that will make them feel proud or remind them of a happy time.

You might add an offer of practical support to your letter or card, if you’re able to. It is helpful to make this as specific as possible, for instance offering to organise some shopping or other practical help. Sometimes a bereaved person isn’t ready to accept help, but it can be supportive to offer it and perhaps add your phone number to your letter or card so they can call when the time is right.

Don’t expect a reply or be upset if they don’t take you up on your offer; being bereaved can be overwhelming. Just keep in touch from time to time and ask them what they would find helpful without making them feel under any pressure to respond.

The anniversary of the death, birthdays and other special days may be very difficult. Sending a card, or just saying that you remember, may be very much appreciated.

Seek support for yourself

Spending time with someone who is grieving often puts us in touch with our own losses. It’s important that you feel supported so that you can help your friend, relative or colleague. This is also important if you are a professional supporting someone who is bereaved

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