It does not appear to make a difference whether one’s child is three, thirteen or thirty if he dies. The emotion in each of us is the same. How could it be that a parent outlives a child?

Harriet Sarnoff Schiff

Grieving for a child of any age is difficult - no parent expects to face the death of their child and no grandparent expects to lose their grandchild. Families tell us that the death of a child brings with it a loss of the future, the hopes, dreams, and potential that can never be fulfilled.

The death of a child goes against the natural order we expect life to follow, whether the child is an adult, baby or twin and whether they were not expected to live or their death was sudden, such as by suicide. 

A range of feelings are normal including complete disbelief, mixed with flashes of reality too awful to think about. You may feel numb, empty, enraged, anxious or exhausted. Some parents tell us they feel a misplaced sense of guilt, feeling that as a parent they were responsible for their safety and that they should have somehow been able to prevent what happened. Some parents also say they feel guilty because they have survived their child.

There may be nothing you could have done differently, but such feelings can be strong and can be replayed over and over again as you try to make sense of what has happened. Talking about your feelings with someone you trust, be it a friend, family member or a professional such as a bereavement support practitioner, can help you process these difficult emotions. 

The way two people in a relationship deal with grief can sometimes differ and this can put additional strain on a relationship when a couple faces bereavement together. By understanding these differences, you can begin to achieve balance both with your partner and within yourself.

When your child is not expected to live

Learning that your child is not expected to live is one of the most difficult things a parent will ever have to face. After your child has died, you may feel a range of difficult emotions and may even feel relief that your child’s suffering has ended; or guilt for wishing that your child’s suffering would end, or that you should have somehow been able to prevent what happened. It can help to find someone you can talk to openly who will listen, and to know that these difficult feelings, while difficult to deal with, are normal.

Saying goodbye to your baby or child

However your child died, the prospect of saying goodbye to your baby or child can feel completely overwhelming. Whether your baby or child dies at home or in a hospital or hospice, you have some options of how to say goodbye which can help you in your grief and allow you to feel a lasting connection with your child.

When your adult child dies

Whether your child is a young person or an adult, your grief is likely to be profound. The death of your son or daughter while at university or college can be difficult as you may not have been aware of all the details of your child’s life, and their college or university may not be able to share personal information with you.

When your baby or child died some time ago

No matter how long ago your baby or child died, your grief is as legitimate as that of someone more recently bereaved. Grief is a life-long journey and it is normal to continue to feel sad and to want to remember your child.

Looking after yourself

When your baby or child dies, grief can be so overwhelming that you can only focus on getting through one day at a time. Looking after yourself and improving your physical wellbeing, even in small ways, can help to decrease feelings of exhaustion, isolation or helplessness.

Getting support

There are no rules in grief and how we grieve differs from individual to individual. You may have lots of support around you, but even so, you may feel you need additional support. Child Bereavement UK supports parents who have been bereaved of a child of any age, if you'd like to discuss bereavement support with us, please contact our Helpline.

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Visit our page: How we can support you for more on our services.

You can also call our Helpline 0800 02 888 40, email [email protected], or use Live Chat on our website.