David and his daughters Emmy, aged 10, and Aria, aged 8, were supported by Child Bereavement UK in Cheshire after David’s wife Jen died from cancer in 2023.

Child Bereavement UK is a  safe place where the girls can discuss whatever they want, can talk about how they feel with someone who is non-judgemental, and can come away with tools to help them cope.

Up until the July, we were able to care for my wife Jen at home, working with local teams to create a hospice at home. I felt it was important for my daughters to have that time with their mother and to bear witness to her being poorly in the hope that it would help them later on.

I feel for anyone who loses a partner because you really miss a shoulder to cry on or someone else to bounce ideas off. Even though my wife was pretty much bedbound, and I was effectively the sole carer for the girls, I still felt supported. After she died, it was tough and overwhelming to realise that I was on my own with two grieving children while also managing my own grief. 

While I didn’t shield them from what had happened, I also didn't want to put them through things unnecessarily. I wanted to make sure they were still happy - I know it's a bit of a crazy word to use because at the time it was difficult to be happy, but I had to look at it through the eyes of the kids. They still needed to feel joy when they got up in the morning and to look forward to things.

My daughters are so different from one other and that was very evident at the time. My youngest had known her mum was terminally ill for the majority of her life. But my elder daughter had a memory of life before the cancer so it was a lot more difficult for her to accept and process the different feelings and come to terms with things. My younger daughter seemed to accept it more quickly, but my elder daughter was in a little bit of denial; she didn't want to talk about it because I think she wanted to pretend it had never happened. 

There were lots of big decisions to make at the time with regard to my daughters and I found that it was difficult not having someone to whom I could voice my concerns. However, I was put in touch with Child Bereavement UK and they started to put things in place for me and my daughters, even giving me some guidance before the support sessions started to equip me around some immediate concerns leading up to the funeral.

When we came to Child Bereavement UK for support, the environment was so nice - comfy couches, toys and different things that the girls could interact with.

When we came to Child Bereavement UK for support, the environment was so nice - comfy couches, toys and different things that the girls could interact with. The bereavement support practitioner got the gist of our situation by having what felt like a conversation with us and from there formulated a plan of support, although throughout it was an evolving process. 

The bereavement support practitioner started by seeing both the girls at the same time but quickly understood the differences in their personalities, so that evolved into separate sessions. She was very astute and recognised what was going to engage each of the girls. Emmy is very into arts and crafts so she really took to those activities. She’d made assumptions about what it would mean to go to a ‘counsellor’ or for ‘therapy’ and had thought she wouldn’t want to go. But after one session she came out with a jar containing layers of different coloured sand to represent different memories of her mum and she was all made-up - she still has it on her shelf in her bedroom. Things like that really work. 

The support for the girls was done in a way that was confidential - it was their time, which was good for the girls. I’d speak to the bereavement support practitioner if there was something I was aware of that I needed to discuss, but they knew that the time with their practitioner was for them. 

The sessions I had with the practitioner were also really valuable in preparing and equipping me to to support the girls.  As a single parent bringing up two girls there were anxieties and issues that would arise and it was good to be reassured that everything the girls were going through was normal and to have someone to bounce ideas off. We’d come up with objectives, not just for the girls but also for me, and she'd give me little bits of homework which really helped. 

We also found it really helpful to go to the Day to Remember for families, which was organised by Child Bereavement UK. There was no one at the girls’ school going through anything similar and my older daughter in particular felt really isolated and labelled as ‘the one who had lost her mum’; she would get upset and feel very lonely in school. At the Day to Remember the girls were shy, got a bit upset and found it tough but they also enjoyed elements of the day. Reading between the lines, I could see it was good for them to interact  with other kids going through similar things - that was massive. 

Nowadays life is  better than it was -  the grief is still there but we're accepting of it or we’re working towards accepting it. Something that was said to me very early on in support which really resonated with me was about building a new life around what had happened; it's less about getting through it or getting over it, it’s more about learning to build around it. We’re not trying to fix things or solve a puzzle, we're trying to help the girls build resilience, helping them to be aware of why they're feeling a certain way, and to accept why they're feeling a certain way.  

Jen was very big on occasions like Halloween, Christmas and birthdays. What I found difficult was that I couldn't fill those shoes, I couldn’t do what she did, it was just impossible. I had to learn very quickly that I don't have to and that we were on a new chapter, and this is how we do it now. I was really afraid that the girls would be upset but they were actually really good about it and I think that's down to their being enabled to process their own memories. 

Since Jen passed, we’ve dug out all the old photo albums and videos and we’ve created an environment at home where, while there aren’t constant reminders in your face, her memory is present and there are lots of talking points. Lots of things crop up during the day that we can reflect on or that the girls can remember. We've done a lot with items that my wife owned such as her clothing - the girls are involved in every step, so when we've sorted through wardrobes or boxes we all get involved and the girls are like ‘can I have that?’ or ‘can I sleep in that?’  And that’s fine - we try to involve them in an organic way. 

When I first came to Child Bereavement UK, I was so worried about what it would uncover, but those concerns were soon put to bed. I think it’s been an amazing resource for me and the girls - we’ve got a safe place where they can discuss whatever they want, can talk about how they feel with someone who is non-judgemental, and can come away with tools to help them cope. Support has been really eye-opening, thought-provoking stuff; I always came away quite energised from support sessions and with a bit more focus.

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