"I love him, I miss him and I mourn the life we could have shared together."

How it feels to grieve the brother I never knew

By Andrew, whose brother died before he was born

Part of you feels a sense of “inheriting grief”, almost being a bystander of your family’s loss.

It is difficult to express how it feels to be a child born after a loss of a child. Losing a child or sibling is heart-breaking and world-changing.

But how does it feel when you did not experience the heart-break first-hand? When the changed world is the only world you know?

When you are born after your family has lost a child, it can be confusing and has taken me years to understand how I feel, to unpack and identify my own loss.

When you are born after your family has lost a child, it can be confusing and has taken me years to understand how I feel, to unpack and identify my own loss.

There are many conflicting emotions. You feel sad but you are scared to voice this with your family in case it will make them sad too. Day-to-day, you sometimes forget you had another sibling, filling you with guilt when you realise you had forgotten. Jealous that your family got to meet and know your brother and you didn’t, no matter how short a time it was. You have feelings of uncertainty in yourself and your place in your family – if my sibling had lived, would I have been born?

Part of you feels a sense of “inheriting grief”, almost being a bystander of your family’s loss. You see the sadness of your family on those special days, hear the stories from your parents and older siblings and see how it affects them. You want to support them and console them but are worried about sharing your own feelings in case they may not be seen as valid. Which they are.

It’s difficult to describe how you miss someone that you never met. The old cliche goes “You can’t miss what you never had”. But that’s not true. You mourn the person you never got to meet and the experiences you never got to share.

As a child, I used to think about the games we never got to play, the birthdays we did not get to celebrate, the toys we could have shared, the embarrassing primary school photos with the bad haircuts, growing up together.

As a teenager, I wondered if my big brother would have been my confidante, my secret-keeper, my argument sparring-partner, my saviour after drunken teenage parties, my partner in crime.

As an adult, I imagine if they would have approved of my partner, helped me move into my first home, been the best man at my wedding?

These feelings are not unique. I know that these are the same thoughts that my older siblings have thought about the brother they lost, my parents about the son they lost. No matter at what chapter you enter your family story, losing a sibling changes how that story continues and impacts all its characters in different ways.

Something I find really special is how I picture my brother in my mind. When my family speak of my brother, they speak about him as a baby. The version of him that they knew and loved. For me, he is always a bigger brother. I imagine him as tall like myself, sporty like my older brothers, funny and intelligent like my parents.

In Portuguese, there is a way to describe this indescribable feeling: 'saudade'. Saudade (sau-da-gee) is a feeling of missing, longing, nostalgia, loss for something or someone that you may have never known or experienced.

In Portuguese, there is a way to describe this indescribable feeling: saudade. Saudade (sau-da-gee) is a feeling of missing, longing, nostalgia, loss for something or someone that you may have never known or experienced. It is a feeling for a time or something that could have been and never was. It doesn’t diminish the strength of that feeling or the sadness and grief associated with it. It is just different. And unique to every person.

Losing a brother I never knew is still a loss in my life. As with every loss, the experience and feelings are unique to each person. I love him, I miss him and I mourn the life we could have shared together.

Visit our page: How we can support you for more on our services.

You can also call our Helpline 0800 02 888 40, email [email protected], or use Live Chat on our website.

Latest

The Pennant Family

The Pennant family share how they’re fundraising for Child Bereavement UK in memory of their son Ned and how they’ve raised funds with three previous challenges.
Ministry of Sound Classical

The Wyldes | Cornwall
Rudimental

The Wyldes | Cornwall
Y Not Festival

Pikehall | Derbyshire

The Pennant Family

The Pennant family share how they’re fundraising for Child Bereavement UK in memory of their son Ned and how they’ve raised funds with three previous challenges.
Ministry of Sound Classical

The Wyldes | Cornwall
Rudimental

The Wyldes | Cornwall
Y Not Festival

Pikehall | Derbyshire
Festival Volunteering FAQs
London to Brighton Cycle

London - Brighton
"It goes from your parents caring for you, to you caring for them"

Stephen Smith writes about his experience before his mum died and of being a young carer when both his parents became ill.
Opinion: Why bereavement awareness needs to be on the business agenda

Jane Wood, CEO of Homes for Scotland and Scotland Advisor for Child Bereavement UK, writes about the importance of embedding bereavement awareness in businesses across the UK.
Petition launched calling for a register of bereaved children

A petition, backed by Winston's Wish, Child Bereavement UK and the Childhood Bereavement Network, is calling on government to create a register of bereaved children.
Sam

Sam shares why he fundraised for Child Bereavement UK by taking on the Barcelona Marathon in memory of his father.

Telling a child that someone has died

It is important to tell a child of any age when someone important in their lives has died, and ideally this is done by someone who is closest to them.
Supporting bereaved children and young people

Children and young people grieve just as much as adults but they show it in different ways. Find out how you can help them and more about child grieving.
Grieving for a child of any age

The agony of losing a child of any age is unparalleled. There is no age or point in time that makes it any easier. No parent expects to face the death of their child and no grandparent expects to lose their grandchild.
When a grandparent dies - the impact on children and young people

The death of a grandparent is often a child or young person’s first encounter with the death of someone important. Parents have a great deal to manage when their own parent or carer dies. There is the grief associated with their own loss, but also the reactions and responses of their children to the death of a grandparent.
Children's understanding of death at different ages

Babies and young children have no understanding of the concept of death yet, long before they are able to talk, babies are likely to react to upset and changes in their environment brought about by the absence of a significant person.
Child Bereavement UK training

Child Bereavement UK designs and delivers training for professionals in health and social care, education, the emergency services and the voluntary and corporate sectors, equipping them to provide the best possible care to bereaved families.
Contact us

Contact details for our Helpline, departments and services.
When your baby dies

When a baby lives only a short time or dies before birth due to miscarriage, stillbirth or a painful decision to end the pregnancy, people may assume that the loss is not important. This is simply not the case.
Children's understanding of death at different ages

Guidance on children's understanding of death at different ages and stages of development.
UK death & bereavement statistics

A parent of children under 18 dies every 22 minutes in the UK; around 23,600 a year. This equates to around 111 children being bereaved of a parent every day.