Being bereaved as a child can have a lasting impact on people’s lives. When a parent dies, some people describe it as ‘the moment their childhood ended’; years ago, and even now, many children were often expected to take on more responsibility within the family. While for some this may have helped build self-reliance and empathy at an early age, for others it may also have meant their grief was not fully acknowledged or validated. 

We know from our work with bereaved children that the way their bereavement is managed at the time of and after a death can have long-term consequences, and our aim as a charity is to ensure that all children and young people can access the support they need, and that their bereavement is handled sensitively, with compassion and understanding. Grief is life-long, but with support, children and young people can learn to manage their grief, develop coping skills and strategies to manage their feelings and become strong, resilient and able to fulfil their potential into adulthood. 

Can being bereaved as a child affect your life as an adult?

Research suggests that, for some, being bereaved as a child can have a negative impact on life outcomes and health, including increased risk of depression, substance use, and lower self-esteem and academic performance*. *(Bereavement in childhood: What we know in 2015, Childhood Bereavement Network)

On the other hand, there is also evidence that a large number of successful adults (including business leaders, actors, politicians, athletes, musicians) were bereaved in childhood. This could be to do with the resilience and self-reliance they learned at an early age.

Either way, grief is a life-long journey and being bereaved is one of the most difficult life events anyone can experience. The way the bereavement is handled by the adults around children and young people at the time can make a big difference to their long-term outcomes.

I recall the day that my brother and I were told that Dad had died. My Mum said to him ‘You’re going to have to be the man of the house now.’ He was 2 years older than me and I remember thinking, ‘What about me?’. I wonder if that somehow spurred me on to be more competitive, independent and self-reliant.

Mike

Why do some people think being bereaved as a child has made them stronger?

I'm such a happy, optimistic person now. My identity and the things that I like most about myself are directly from being bereaved. When you reach a point where you have accepted it and reframed it into a more positive narrative you have gained so much determination, so much resilience. Compared to that, everything else is nothing, it's a walk in the park.

Rebecca

Some people say that coping with the death of a parent or other close person allowed them to discover personal strength and resilience they didn’t know they had. 

Many world leaders were bereaved children including Mahatma Ghandi, Bill Clinton, Winston Churchill, Nelson Mandela and John Major.  Some people believe this is due to ‘post-traumatic growth’, a term psychologists use to describe positive change after a highly challenging life event. Watch this short film to find out more: 

If I could talk to my 12-year-old self now, I would say ‘In the end you’ll survive.’ Going through bereavement made me thicker skinned. If I could put back time, I wouldn’t of course want my father to die but there are benefits that came from it in weird way.

Mike

However this isn’t the same for everyone and even those who feel it has made them stronger do not necessarily always feel like this. There is no set pattern to grief and everyone’s experience is unique to them; how you respond to your childhood bereavement can also change at different stages in your life, such as if you enter into a relationship or get married, start university/college or a new job, or set up your own business. 

Milestones such as these can often trigger thoughts and emotions; for instance if one of your parents died, then becoming a parent yourself could trigger increased understanding of how difficult  things must have been for your surviving parent. Other family occasions such as weddings and funerals, or even reaching the same age as the person was when they died, can trigger emotions that may surprise you and others, especially if they died many years ago, as you may revisit old feelings or experience a renewed sense of loss.

Is it normal to still feel upset about the person who died when I was a child? 

It's taken me year to understand how I feel, to unpack and identify my own loss.

Andrew

It is normal to feel sad when remembering someone, regardless of how long ago they died. Even though someone important to you died many years ago, there may be times when you revisit your grief and the intensity of your feelings may be surprising and overwhelming, such as on their birthday, the date of their death or special occasions such as Christmas, Mother’s or Father’s Day. There may be other triggers or reminders, or you may not know why you are feeling your grief just as intensely. Whatever the reason, acknowledge these feelings and be kind to yourself. 

In 1999 my brother died suddenly of a brain haemorrhage – he was only 44 years old. It was hard to see my sister-in-law, nephew and niece going through what we’d gone through in my childhood and it brought up lots of memories and emotions.

Mike

Sometimes, if a child was not given the opportunity to express their grief or talk about the person who has died, in adulthood they can be left with difficult feelings that are complicated and unresolved.

At a young age, bereavement is just confusing.  I was 11 - it’s not young, but it’s not old, so it’s that mid-age when you are a bit confused. You don’t really know whether to believe it, you don’t know how to accept it.  Even the first day, I didn’t know if it was true or not.

Joey

In such cases it can be helpful to seek support from a professional or some other person you trust. Peer support groups can also be helpful so that you can feel able to talk about your experiences and feel less alone. 

How does the support children have now differ to when I was a child?

I didn't go to my father's funeral. I signed a card for the wreath and was given the day off school and everyone at my school was told and my friends and teachers were all nice to me. But I thought it was wrong that I didn't go to his funeral. I never had proper closure.

Mike

Many years ago, children were often not included in conversations about death and were not encouraged to talk about or remember someone who had died, often not being given the opportunity to attend their funeral. This wasn’t done to be unkind to the child but was done in what at the time was thought to ‘protect’ the child from difficult emotions.  However, this often left children feeling confused about what happened and struggling with their questions and feelings alone.

It was a hard time for me. I went into secondary school just not really knowing. For me there wasn't that support there, it was difficult. Obviously if I knew that a charity like Child Bereavement UK was about at the time, it would have helped me so much.

Joey

However, we know now that it is important that children are listened to and helped to express and understand their feelings, are given clear, honest and age-appropriate information, and have the opportunity to talk about the person who has died, ask questions and build memories. 

Can talking about the person who has died help me now that I am an adult?

One of the things I struggle with as an adult is not being able to access the collective family memory. I have no-one to share that with, no-one else is left from our family nucleus.

Mike

Some people find it helpful as an adult to talk about their bereavement in childhood, however family and friends may feel uncomfortable talking to you about the person for fear of upsetting you, or they may simply not know you were bereaved or realise how much your bereavement still impacts you. Those who don’t know what it’s like to experience the death of someone close to them may mistakenly and unhelpfully feel that you will be ‘over it by now’. You may sense that talking about your loss may be difficult as it may put others in touch with their own fears and bereavements, or there may no longer be anyone in your life who remembers, or with whom you feel comfortable talking about the person who died. You may be able to find other people outside of your family who can support you, either by talking to a professional and/or joining a peer support group with others who have had similar experiences.  

I didn't feel like there was anywhere for me turn to - I was so young at the time - and there was nothing for me to go to. I don't really feel like people knew about great charities like Child Bereavement UK. No-one is going to bring her back, it's only support that can get your through it.

Joey

Where can I find support?

Child Bereavement UK currently offers support to bereaved children and young people/adults aged up to 25, with groups for 18-25 year olds. Here are some other organisations that can help you:

• Cruse Bereavement Care 0800 808 1677
• Winston's Wish Facebook group for adults who were bereaved as children 
• Mind infoline 0300 123 3393 
• Let’s Talk About Loss (peer support for 18-35 year olds)